This is for all the times I shrank in a group setting. For the times I felt out of place or lost trying to fit in. for the times my thoughts went racing in the midst of my conversations with others, along with unending worries and anxieties. For the times I wish I’d just relax and let be. For all the times I wished people understand. For all the times I just should have realised that I wasn’t that very different, just special in my own way.
I was just looking back at an old group whatsapp conversation and was reminded of how long it takes for me to respond. And unlike most of the rest, my replies are usually succinct, formal. Proper. It makes sense because as an introvert, I tend to think before I speak or act. Usually.
It’s just that I wished I could be more spontaneous, less proper. More fun you know? Like girrrl why you so serious?!?! Like what’s wrong with you?!
And so a faint wave of realization came over me- they’re not the problem for being who they are. Neither am I. The problem was simply an illusion. If it exists at all, it is because I perceived it to be present when there was none. I am perfectly fine the way I am too.
This is something I’ve been trying to grasp and embrace especially ever since I learnt about my introversion(INFJ to be exact) and being a HSP, that just because I have different tendencies and preferences and whatever else, does not make me in the wrong. Or worse, less of value.
Of course, the incidences in that group conversation aren’t isolated cases. It is the same with most other groups as well. This echoes well with real-life settings too where group settings are my weakness. And guess what? Even though one-on-one meetups/conversations are much more preferred, I still get a little anxious and sometimes even mentally prepare the things I want to talk about/ask in case I run out of things to say.. sigh. Haha.
Nevertheless, I believe I am making improvements. I am learning to be less tense and relax more in my conversations with others. I cannot run away from social situations and big groups of people when I need to so I ‘mentally prepare’ for them. I don’t mentally prepare “things to talk about” anymore.
Honestly though, it cringes me how some people have ENDLESS of things to talk about! Like I’d get so tired just talking man. Hahaha. But that’s them. Truth is, I do want to be a better storyteller. I can be a good listener, but I want to talk too. Just, not so much. Hah! Welcome to my complicated world. That aside, I’ll learn to be a better conversationalist and talk about myself in a way that’s comfortable, liberating and meaningful.