What I Wished I’d Said: “Me time”

Had dinner with my friends and 2 of them who are married shared some marriage stories and advices. I’ve got to mention this one advice especially, and that is to really cherish the time that us singles still have to ourselves now aka “me time”.

As usual my introvert brain was busy listening and processing thus I didn’t say much in return so it was just my facial expression and body language that showed I was listening. I really was. But to think back over the conversation, I wish I had said this. Something alone these lines.

If couples were like what’s one of the best thing that happened to them the past year, they’d be like pointing to one another. But me? Myself! Yas! Hahaha. I’ve never loved solitude more than I did the past year. I’ve been learning the art of self-love. I learn to be comfortable with myself, with the silence. In a noisy world with information overload it’s necessary to just plug out and turn off the wifi for a while. I go days without opening instagram and my inner peace is at its best. I read, reflect, write, do things intentionally, de-clutter better, I learn what is it that I want.

Quitting my job last year paved a way for much “free time” especially in between school assignments and after exams. And I never get bored, thankfully. I learn my tendency towards certain bad habits and I also finally got to know how I study best. I eat in public by myself sometimes and don’t look at my phone while eating. I go to some classes/talks alone. I don’t know about guys but most ladies I know would usually prefer a girl friend to go do things/go places with and this was and sometimes still the case for me but I’ve learnt that I need to live alone sometimes. We won’t always have a friend. And that means deciding for myself, going to places alone and doing things alone, as nerve-wrecking as it may be at times. 

But alone time and silence is not always rosy. Some days are harder with loneliness kicking in, triggers of past pain haunting, whispers of the shaytan, when my self-dialogue is akin to myself becoming my worst enemy, squandering time away on social media etc. If I don’t control myself I’d get myself knee-deep in wreck. Alhamdulillah, strength is ultimately from Him.

I learnt how to organise my intentions from Aida Azlin and sorted them out into different categories in a notes app, spent hours writing and editing my blog entries and started  Quran journaling, made a list of criteria/ideal characteristics of my future spouse. Above all, solitude is important. And it’s not just because I’m an introvert and I need to recharge my batteries. Also, even if I were to marry(insyaAllah), a bit of me time is essential so that it helps me to be the best wife. Sorry not sorry eh. But with kids a bit hard? Haha. Maybe I’ll learn other ways to cope. Allah knows best. And so “me time” is really just the blessings of solitude that we need to reap the benefits from, insyaAllah. To learn, to experiment, to be creative, to be still, to make time for our Creator.

Ok, you’re too kind if you’re still reading this. Guess there’s a reason why some people simply express themselves better through writing than in speech :p 


Cheers to Self!

This is for all the times I shrank in a group setting. For the times I felt out of place or lost trying to fit in. for the times my thoughts went racing in the midst of my conversations with others, along with unending worries and anxieties. For the times I wish I’d just relax and let be. For all the times I wished people understand. For all the times I just should have realised that I wasn’t that very different, just special in my own way.
I was just looking back at an old group whatsapp conversation and was reminded of how long it takes for me to respond. And unlike most of the rest, my replies are usually succinct, formal. Proper. It makes sense because as an introvert, I tend to think before I speak or act. Usually.

It’s just that I wished I could be more spontaneous, less proper. More fun you know? Like girrrl why you so serious?!?! Like what’s wrong with you?!

And so a faint wave of realization came over me- they’re not the problem for being who they are. Neither am I. The problem was simply an illusion. If it exists at all, it is because I perceived it to be present when there was none. I am perfectly fine the way I am too.

This is something I’ve been trying to grasp and embrace especially ever since I learnt about my introversion(INFJ to be exact) and being a HSP, that just because I have different tendencies and preferences and whatever else, does not make me in the wrong. Or worse, less of value.

Of course, the incidences in that group conversation aren’t isolated cases. It is the same with most other groups as well. This echoes well with real-life settings too where group settings are my weakness. And guess what? Even though one-on-one meetups/conversations are much more preferred, I still get a little anxious and sometimes even mentally prepare the things I want to talk about/ask in case I run out of things to say.. sigh. Haha.

Nevertheless, I believe I am making improvements. I am learning to be less tense and relax more in my conversations with others. I cannot run away from social situations and big groups of people when I need to so I ‘mentally prepare’ for them. I don’t mentally prepare “things to talk about” anymore.

Honestly though, it cringes me how some people have ENDLESS of things to talk about! Like I’d get so tired just talking man. Hahaha. But that’s them. Truth is, I do want to be a better storyteller. I can be a good listener, but I want to talk too. Just, not so much. Hah! Welcome to my complicated world. That aside, I’ll learn to be a better conversationalist and talk about myself in a way that’s comfortable, liberating and meaningful.

Mind, you need rest.

Have you ever felt so mentally overwhelmed?

Like when you intend to have a short break from school assignment/work then turn to social media for what seemed like an eternity because everyone else’ life is just so accessible. Another picture, to another celebrity’s sad story, to finding out another celebrity is dating someone, yada yada yada. And when it involves emotions, it’s worse. As an INFJ, I absorb those emotions. Somehow. I feel them as if they’re my own. As if my own struggles and unresolved thoughts and emotions aren’t enough.

It’s crazy sometimes to realise how much I, or we, tend to “care” so much about others. What was supposed to be rest time turned out to be occupied time with social media and you end up not rested, in fact, more tired. Mentally. Guess it affects your body too?

So much information, so many distractions. Anyone else having trouble “disciplining” yourself when it comes to your daily “social media intake”? I don’t think it’s just me. Maybe it affects me more since I’m a HSP(highly-sensitive person) cum an introvert?

And like I usually do when I feel this way, I disable those apps. Them all. Until I feel more calm, more at peace with myself, my senses, my thoughts, my emotions.