words that just get at you

Ah, my heart. Beautiful reminder to not let ourselves drown into the sea of self-doubt, irrational and problem-focused thinking. Of ourselves, love, and life.

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What I Wished I’d Said: “Me time”

Had dinner with my friends and 2 of them who are married shared some marriage stories and advices. I’ve got to mention this one advice especially, and that is to really cherish the time that us singles still have to ourselves now aka “me time”.

As usual my introvert brain was busy listening and processing thus I didn’t say much in return so it was just my facial expression and body language that showed I was listening. I really was. But to think back over the conversation, I wish I had said this. Something alone these lines.

If couples were like what’s one of the best thing that happened to them the past year, they’d be like pointing to one another. But me? Myself! Yas! Hahaha. I’ve never loved solitude more than I did the past year. I’ve been learning the art of self-love. I learn to be comfortable with myself, with the silence. In a noisy world with information overload it’s necessary to just plug out and turn off the wifi for a while. I go days without opening instagram and my inner peace is at its best. I read, reflect, write, do things intentionally, de-clutter better, I learn what is it that I want.

Quitting my job last year paved a way for much “free time” especially in between school assignments and after exams. And I never get bored, thankfully. I learn my tendency towards certain bad habits and I also finally got to know how I study best. I eat in public by myself sometimes and don’t look at my phone while eating. I go to some classes/talks alone. I don’t know about guys but most ladies I know would usually prefer a girl friend to go do things/go places with and this was and sometimes still the case for me but I’ve learnt that I need to live alone sometimes. We won’t always have a friend. And that means deciding for myself, going to places alone and doing things alone, as nerve-wrecking as it may be at times. 

But alone time and silence is not always rosy. Some days are harder with loneliness kicking in, triggers of past pain haunting, whispers of the shaytan, when my self-dialogue is akin to myself becoming my worst enemy, squandering time away on social media etc. If I don’t control myself I’d get myself knee-deep in wreck. Alhamdulillah, strength is ultimately from Him.

I learnt how to organise my intentions from Aida Azlin and sorted them out into different categories in a notes app, spent hours writing and editing my blog entries and started  Quran journaling, made a list of criteria/ideal characteristics of my future spouse. Above all, solitude is important. And it’s not just because I’m an introvert and I need to recharge my batteries. Also, even if I were to marry(insyaAllah), a bit of me time is essential so that it helps me to be the best wife. Sorry not sorry eh. But with kids a bit hard? Haha. Maybe I’ll learn other ways to cope. Allah knows best. And so “me time” is really just the blessings of solitude that we need to reap the benefits from, insyaAllah. To learn, to experiment, to be creative, to be still, to make time for our Creator.

Ok, you’re too kind if you’re still reading this. Guess there’s a reason why some people simply express themselves better through writing than in speech :p 

Dear Hopeful Singleton 🌹

Throwback to last Sat’s session with the amazing ladies, Aida Azlin & Ustazah Liyana Musfirah. Below are my takeaways, may it be of benefit! 

Ustazah Liyana:

Know yourself

Who am I first?
Servant of Allah
Follower of Prophet pbuh
Khalifah fil ardh. Our words and actions equally preaching Islam
Daughter to your parents
Sister to your siblings

Hijrah: to a better me, to a better single version of myself

Doa when looking at yourself in the mirror

Polish your mind, body & soul and heart with knowledge and experience

We’re so blessed in the sense that we’ve got the time and space to work on our relationship with Allah swt

Aida Azlin:

Things I tell my single myself
🌸To be grateful for whatever Allah places you right now
Think about all the other aspects that Allah is taking care of for you now

🌸Cultivate an Optimistic mindset while waiting
Remind yourself
Be happy for those who gets married. Allah got their backs like He’s got yours

🌸Get to know the 3 VVIPs
*Marrying doesn’t solve all your problems
Allah.
Prophet Muhammad saw.
Yourself. Just think of 3 things you love about yourself.
You can’t have someone else in your life till you’re rock solid about yourself.
What is self-worthiness to you? Knowing that you’re deserving of the best because you’re created by the best Allah swt
Seek what’s best for you. The best company, the best experiences, you know you deserve nothing less than the best.

When you have self-worthiness you stop looking to other people to give you happiness.
This man is just gonna complement you not add you or subtract from you. You’re whole by yourself💕

Self worthiness is yours for the taking.
no one can give it you or take it from you.

You are capable of being the best
To be the best at what you do is a form of dakwah

🌸All states are temporary so don’t allow yourself to get too sad or too happy.

Waiting may not be fun but it is necessary.
The worship is in the waiting
The strengthening is in the waiting
The closeness to Allah is in the waiting
Waiting is part and parcel of life. Good things come to those who wait. This is dunya. Remember Allah got your back.

2 types of single person
First is the one who sits around and don’t really do anything to find the one. Complain only lol.
Second is the one makes the effort. Go out and meet people, seek help from parents/elders/friends. Make plenty of dua and lots of tawakkal. Like AA and Ustazah Liyana’s personal stories.
So which one are you? Not to say that marriage is a goal. It’s just a means. Like Aida said, you will somehow ‘know’ when you’re ready so if you really are then make the effort and dua + tawakkal. Otherwise, keep working on yourself and be of service to others and who knows along the way you just might meet the one😉

You know how you look at some people and think to yourself this one just has it all together. You can’t help to think, she/he is so fine/so smart/so kind/so pretty/so fortunate/so mashaAllah and the list goes on, what could possibly go wrong in his/her life? She/he seems so well-off how could she be in a position of pain or to even talk about pain? For one, perception. What they show builds your perception. And what you don’t actually see? So much.

Second, you’re not the only going through some pain/struggle. Other people are too. Even ‘them’. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. So don’t feel bad about yourself. Or don’t feel bad about yourself for not being “brave” or “vulnerable” enough to share your pain/story on social media etc. What may be easy for some may be challenging for you. And vice versa. So don’t put yourself down by undermining yourself or whatever you’re going through. The pain you feel is VALID. Your struggles are VALID. Even if no one knows them. Coz you’ve got Allah. We’ve got Allah.

At the same time, learn to share with worthy others.
Remember, you don’t have to share with everyone to feel validated or to feel Heard. Some share with their best friends but for me I’ve no particular ‘best friend’ because I don’t believe in that term. I do have a couple of close/good/special friends I can trust insyaAllah. And may I always remember that. That I do matter. I am worthy of much love. And you are, too. 🌹💕

On Deadlines & Saying No

Earlier in the evening today I just realised I had missed the deadline for a small part of my school assignment by 2 days! Imagine my shock and denial. I had read through the whole assignment but had truly missed the deadline for the first part. Alhamdulillah I set myself on it tonight and I managed to get it done even though it’s super-late. I emailed my tutor too in hopes he will pardon me and give me a pass, at least. I really hope!

But I shan’t dwell on it too much, as it was a genuine mistake and there’s no point being too upset over it. It’s not the worst that can happen and I still have the chance to make it right for the second part of the assignment- the thousand word essay. 

And I hope to always remember this. That I may make mistakes sometimes but what’s important is what I do about it. That I will own up to it, try my best to make it right, learn from it and pray to Allah to ease my affairs. 

May Allah ease. And I can do this. 

Also, it dawned on me that I have two essay assignments due within several days which brought me to say no. No to supposed plans over the weekend and my plan to finish doing up the cards for a small project for some sisters. It kinda sucks because you wish you can do them all but this is it, a lesson for me ultimately from Allah. To prioritise and choose wisely and make sure I can allocate my all to all that I intend to do. 

You Matter 

Mood: making my voice heard in my own way 
An instagram story of words, yet it’s me voicing my thoughts, projecting them out to the world

It’s a big deal to me, really

When I find myself engaging in comparison going down the downward spiral of “and then there’s me”

Stop, don’t do this to yourself. You need to control these negative thoughts, don’t let them get to you.

You’re better than this, stronger than this.

Yes I’m still figuring it out, to each and everyone their own battles
You either know because people share or you don’t because people keep it away from the public eye

And same goes with you too darling

Realising that where I am and where I want to be is a gap
Doesn’t mean I’m not making progress

Going back to the instagram story
Yes I have my own thoughts and opinions too
And they matter
Absolutely
I’m free to share them as long as it’s within the limits

I matter.

I am enough.